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| Love Fucking Sucks. Sorry for being blunt it doesn't suck but right now it feels like it does. Why do I treat Stephanie the way I do? Why do I do what I do? Why am I the way I am? Why do I say the things I say? Why is she with me? If she hates it so much why is she still here? Why does she love me? I feel like crap right now I just feel like giving up on life and everything else with it. It's so much to handle I wonder what would happen if I just died. I going to kill myself right now I'm sure people wouldn't miss me.
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| What if the only thing keeping you a live was the one woman you love? What if every day all you did was act? What if your whole life you were told that you would add up to nothing? Well, thats how my life is. truth is I go by day by day not really saying anything cuz there isn't much to say about things when you don't feel like being anywhere or doing anything. I act happy even though I'm not. The only thing that really makes me happy is S.tephanie my babygirl. I love her she means everything to me. I mean I had relationships in the past but this one is different. I fucked up so many times in this relationship but yet she is still here by my side. If you only knew what she is being put through with me. I love her though and she loves me a lot. I don't know what I would do if she ever leaves me. I'll probably just disappear with out anyone knowing. My whole life a lot of people told me that I wont add up to anything.Your dreams are to big. No matter how hard you try to make a difference, it's not going to work. It may work for a while but its not going to work for long. You are just going to fail. Well, thats what's going on right now. I hide the depression going on in my life, I hide my sadness, I hide my hate, I only show what everyone wants to see. Which is happiness. I mean i am happy at times, but I still have other emotions going on. the only one who truly understands me is S.tephanie. I don't know what I would do with out her or where I would be. Life sucks. Friends are cool but I don't like bringing them down with me so I just keep to myself usually. I don't know why I like to keep things in I know it's bad but I still do it. I think things would be better if I was dead seriously I do. I feel like everything is my fault and that I can't do anything about it. it's just the way I am. I don't know anymore. I don't even know what to say or do or anything right now. I just feel blee. The one that understands me isn't here and I need her so bad. I miss her so much I'm so unstable with out her. I need her. I'm done for now to much is running through my mind right now that I can't thing straight or get out everything I need to get out so thats it for this blog. I'll ttyl Until next time (A.S.S) Always Stay Strong. does GOD really exist or is he just a creation of our imagination. Something that was invented to keep people busy in there lives, to give people a way to live so that we wouldn't end up being stupid or something. What if when we die thats it. There is no heaven or hell you just die. I don't know anymore anyways PEACE L8ERZ
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| Why
does it seem like everyone is unhappy? Why does it seem like everyone
is hidding something from everyone? Why is it last night at a core
meeting I felt all this. Why is it I feel left out, clueless about
things, worthless, useless, intimidated but others, not so kool, not a
good friend, and just there. It seems as if I'm just there not to do
anything but watch so thats what I'm doing watching, observing. Thats
why I quit choir to see why does it feel like we are falling apart.
Meaning core as a whole. Right now I feel like shutting myself off to
the world and just be a phantom to observe everyones behavior and see
why is it we are falling apart. It also seems that I'm also lossing
friends or that we are falling apart too. I don't know. I know GODs
here but I just don't feel him any where not even at Church. But I'm
still tyring to keep my faith alive. I'll never turn my back on GOD and
I'll never change for people just so I'll be accepted forget that but I
will try to better myself to be more acceptable. Open up to new things,
try new things, but never changing myself. But for now I just want to
shut off to thw world to see whats up with all this Hurt and Hidding
going around core and friends. GOD BLESS and PEACE | | |
| Wow Is this my xanga? Sorry I haven't been here in a while. I have been busy but now I'm back for now anyways. School is so stressful. So much work, so much applications, and so little time but for right now I'm pulling through. Well my girlfriend and I are doing great. We both love each other, we both talk everyday, we both tell each other everything, and we fall asleep on the phone every night with each other. Yea phone bill is up but it's ok my parents understand ( I think). Well I've been real busy and I haven't had time to stop by and write about how I'm doing in a long time. Well anyways I don't know what to do I feel like I'm starting to push me girlfriend away for some strange reason. I don't want to and everytime I ask if I am she says I'm not but I still feel like I am. It's like I find myself more frustrated when I'm tlaking to her now then I you to be. We don't talk as much as we use too but we still talk alot just not as much as before. I love her so much but I don't know why I feel like I'm not a good enough boyfriend for her and that she deserves better then me. I don't know. Well Happy Thanksgiving and I'll hopefully figure everything out on my own but if oyu have any words of advice leave a comment and stuff. Well I G2G food is calling me hahahahaha. Well GOD BLESS peace out and stay strong. | | |
| This summer has been the best and worse summer of my life. I met this wonderful girl named Stephanie but at what cost? Lossing friends, me seeing my true weakness, dissapointment, frustration, and cluelessness. I hurt one of my best friends Melinda. I am so sorry that I hurt her but I did. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. After the festival I realized that a relationship with her wouldnt work out so I was going to tell her that we should just stay friends I think it would be for the best. But I never got the chance to. I never would of thought that I would be getting with her best friend two days after giving her a rose. I am seriously fucked up. After I gave Melinda the rose I knew in my heart that a relaitonship with her wouldnt work out it's just the way we handle things. I never meant to hurt her. I didn't know I would be hooking up with her best friend. I didn't know that eveyone would be hating on us. I feel so bad that there is a conflict between me and my friends. I finally realize that my weakness in life is temptation. I am so weak against temptation its not even funny. It is causing me to lose friends, ppl hatting on me, on my gf, and me hating myself. I need guidance through this. I am so weak it's not even funny. I always say I'm going to change but I never do. I'm getting tired of it I need help so badly. I don't know what to do. It's like most of my friends are disapointed in me for being with Stephanie. I care for her so much that I don't want to lose her or hurt her. Ever ever. I hope she never leaves me or hurts me or anything. Well I'm just totally lossed I need help not from my friends but my true friends that will always be there for me. I don't know anymore I feel like the only friends I have are at church. I have no friends at school anymore they all hate me or something. I can't wait until this school year is over then I don't have to see the people that hate me anymore. Well anyways thats all I got for now cuz I feel like crap. I need someone to talk to about all this and a lot of prayers. I'm going to leave here with these prayers. O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, and lead all souls to heaven, esepcially those in most need or your mercy. Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name: thy kingdom come: thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread: and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen. Hail Mary, full of grace; the lord is with you; blessed are you amoung women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary mother of god, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen. Glory be to the father, and to the son, and to the holy spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love: where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.Amen. Anyways thats all I have for now so stay strong peace and GOD BLESS. | | |
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